tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
