You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
