I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
