Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
