2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
she woke up with a sticky ear
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matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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