I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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