Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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