I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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