No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
