I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
