I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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