I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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