I have demons in me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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