Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
