Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
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the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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