Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
