so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
