God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
