Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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