Four minutes until I can fart!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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