no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
