maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
