im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
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Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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