He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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