i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
