My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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