Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
