I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
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