Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Come share oat with me in your robe
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
