im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
