I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
