im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
