This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
