It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
