i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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