I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
