Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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