i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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