Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
