Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
