so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
