I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
