I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
