At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I am one with the molecules
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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