His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
