K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
