and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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