onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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