Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
