she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
