he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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