Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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