you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
