i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
