All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
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Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
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Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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