I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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