I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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