i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
