I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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