Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
