Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
