Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
