I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
